Matt Heffernan's "South Park" Page

Episode 402: The Tooth Fairy's TATS 2000
Premiere:
April 5, 2000
Plot:
The boys start a small scam where they steal money left by the "tooth fairy" for other children. The operation becomes too conspicuous and unprofitable in South Park, so they try a rich Denver suburb. They find that a powerful syndicate already exists there, run by a kid named Loogie. The boys start working for him, but Cartman wants to make his own big score, without earning for Loogie. They fall into a trap set by the American Dental Association, but Kyle saves the day -- thanks to existentialist philosophy.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Kenny McCormick sleeps with the fishes.
Obligatory Lesson:
KYLE: ...you see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.
References

Episode 401: Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000
Premiere:
April 12, 2000
Plot:
Cartman throws a rock at Token's head, but instead of detention, he is tried and convicted for a federal hate crime. The other boys need Cartman for ballast in their sled race, so they try to help him escape. When that doesn't work, they give a presentation to the governor that illustrates the hypocrisy of "hate crime" legislation. Cartman does manage to make an escape attempt with the help of his cellmate. They are caught, but the guards don't take him back because his pardon was issued that same day.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Thrown from a sled, and driven into a tree by a brick dummy.
Obligatory Lesson:
Theme of presentation by Stan, Kyle, and Token: Hate crimes are a savage hypocrisy.
References

Episode 404: TIMMY! 2000
Premiere:
April 19, 2000
Plot:
There is a new student in Mr. Garrison's class: Timmy, a retarded boy who is in a wheelchair and can only mutter his name. The school figures this to be Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), so he is prescribed Ritalin and is excused from doing his homework. The other kids catch on, and soon everybody is diagnosed with ADD and on Ritalin. Timmy happens upon a garage band rehearsing, and joins them as their new lead vocalist. They win a local contest, which gets them a gig opening for Phil Collins at a music festival. Collins is opposed to people paying to see Timmy, just to laugh at him, and the rest of Ritalin-addled South Park agrees. Chef takes control of this dire situation, spiking the lemonade at the festival with "Ritalout". Coming out of their stupor, the audience realizes that Phil Collins sucks and Timmy rules.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Hit in the face with a frying pan by Cartman, who was trying to kill the little Christina Aguilera monster.
Obligatory Lesson:
STAN: ...Yeah, sure. We laughed at Timmy, but what's wrong with laughter? Just because we laugh at something doesn't mean we don't care about it. Timmy made us smile, and playing made Timmy smile. So, where was the harm in that? The people that are wrong are the ones that think people like Timmy should be protected, and kept out of the public's eye. The cool thing about Timmy being in a band was that he was in your face, and you had to deal with him, whether you laughed, or cried, or felt nothing. That's why Timmy rules!
References

Episode 403: Quintuplets 2000
Premiere:
April 26, 2000
Plot:
The boys attend the last American performance of Cirque du Cheville, and are entranced by the Vladchik Contorting Romanian Quintuplets. They try to make their own version of the circus, but Kenny's vocal limitations keep their vision from being realized. Meanwhile, the quintuplets run away from the tour with their grandmother, who does not want to go back to impoverished Romania. They stay at Stan's house, and after a night of passion between his grandfather and the Romanian grandmother, she dies. The Romanian government tries to get the girls to return in the custody of their estranged father, and Janet Reno sends the national guard in to help retrieve them. After a reunion with their father is unsuccessful, the girls take a limo to the "Oprah" show. As that crisis ended, Kenny is the matter of contention in Romania, where he is becoming an opera star. The army is sent to "rescue" him, as well, but with dire results.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Shot by rescue soldiers.
Obligatory Lesson:
QUINTUPLET #3: You know nothing about Romania, and yet you assume America is so much better. Maybe Romania isn't as nice as America, but it is our home. We are Romanian; all you care about is your own, stupid circus.
References

Episode 406: Cartman Joins NAMBLA
Premiere:
June 21, 2000
Plot:
Cartman feels that he cannot relate to the other boys anymore, so he goes on the internet to find more mature friends. Naturally, he attracts a lot of attention in a chat room for men who like young boys. He tries meeting a couple of them, including Mr. Garrison, but each new friend ends up getting arrested by the FBI. He goes to Mephesto to create a mature friend for him, but Mephesto instead recommends that he attend his local chapter of NAMBLA. Cartman shows up at a hotel hosting a convention for the North American Man-Boy Love Association, and he is invited to be their poster boy. They plan a party and tell Cartman to invite all his young male friends to join. The feds hear about the gathering and bust in on NAMBLA, but not the right one. They confuse Mephesto's organization, the North American Marlon Brando Look-Alikes, for pedophiles. They eventually find the right organization, just in time to save the kids who are now wise to the situation. All through this, Kenny has been trying to prevent his parents from having another child, but his attempt ends tragically.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Flattened by ambulance backing up.
Obligatory Lesson:
NAMBLA SPEAKER: ...our forefathers came to this country because they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom". They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live! You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us because they don't understand. And sometimes, it is easier to persecute than to understand.
KYLE: Dude! You have sex with children!
NAMBLA SPEAKER: We are human! Most of us didn't choose to be attracted to young boys; we were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that... well, then, I guess you'll just have to put us away.
References

Episode 407: Cherokee Hair Tampons
Premiere:
June 28, 2000
Plot:
Kyle's diabetes has now affected his kidneys, and he desperately needs a transplant. His mother, however, has gotten into a local fad: holistic medicine. Of course, the herbs and roots aren't working, and only Stan seems to understand Kyle's needs. The doctor tells him that only Cartman has a matching kidney for Kyle, but when Stan goes to ask him, Cartman demands $10,000,000. Instead, Stan hatches a scheme where he tricks Cartman into thinking his kidney was taken. Cartman signs a release to have the doctor put it back in, but the release actually allowed the doctor to do the actual transplant. South Park has now realized that Western medicine works best, and Mr. Garrison finally writes the Great American Romance Novel.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Crushed by falling piano.
Obligatory Lesson:
[There didn't seem to be one for this episode. I guess you could just take this moment to reflect on the benefits of Western medicine.]
References

Episode 408: Chef Goes Nanners
Premiere:
July 5, 2000
Plot:
Chef organizes a protest against the South Park flag, which depicts four white stick figures hanging a black stick figure, and apparently cheering. He sees it as racist, but Jimbo and many others in the town don't want to lose the history that the flag represents. At South Park Elementary, there is a debate over the issue, with Stan and Kyle leading a team for the flag, and Wendy and Cartman leading the opposition. After working together, Wendy finds that she has an attraction to Cartman, and sexual tension builds up to the debate. When it is her turn to speak, she is too nervous, so she kisses Cartman to release the tension, then goes on to deliver a compelling argument. Even after that, Stan and Kyle don't see why the flag is racist, because they didn't even take note of the colors of the figures. The whole town then agrees to change the flag, making it depict a racially mixed group hanging the black figure (including another black figure, making it alright). Wendy is also able to return to normalcy, having her attraction to Cartman run its course, and going back to Stan.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Ate a bowlful of antacid tablets (thinking they were mints), drank some water, then exploded.
Obligatory Lesson:
CHEF: ...All this time I thought these little crackers had turned racist. When, actually, they were so not racist, that they didn't even make a separation of black and white to begin with. All they saw when they looked at that flag was five people.
References

Episode 409: Something You Can Do With Your Finger
Premiere:
July 12, 2000
Plot:
Cartman has a dream about being in a successful boy band, so he convinces the other boys to join him, in hopes of making $10,000,000. To be a proper boy band, they need five members, so after auditions, they settle on Wendy, and dress her up as a boy. The band, called "Fingerbang", gets a gig playing at the South Park Mall. Stan's father, however, refuses to allow him to stay in the band. It is revealed that Mr. Marsh was in his own boy band as a teenager, but his quick brush with fame ended in humiliation. After an emotional upheaval, Mr. Marsh takes Stan to the mall, anyway, and the band starts to perform. Kenny's moment in the spotlight is tragically shortened, so Mr. Marsh fills in to finish the show.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Crushed by a descending glass elevator.
Obligatory Lesson:
MR. MARSH: ...Stan, it was wrong of me to try and stop you from joining a boy band without explaining why. I've made some mistakes in my life, and now, I have to let you make your own mistakes.
STAN: Yeah
MR. MARSH: You know, in a way, I think I was even jealous of you being in a boy band. Isn't that stupid?
STAN: Not really. Not any more stupid than some of the other stuff you've done.
References
By popular demand, a full transcript of Wendy's audition song. Sing along at home!

Episode 410: Do the Handicapped Go to Hell?
Premiere:
July 19, 2000
Plot:
The boys learn about Hell in church (except, of course, for Kyle), and about baptism, making confession, and taking communion to avoid going there. The priest's sermon motivates the boys to take action, and getting their first communion becomes their primary concern. They tell Kyle, who is now afraid that he will go to Hell because he is Jewish. They are also concerned about Timmy, who cannot confess his sins because he can only say his name. They ask the nun if the mentally handicapped go to Hell, but she has to refer to the Pope. The boys learn that the church will be of little help to them when they catch the priest having sex in the confessional, so they start evangelizing on the street. Meanwhile in Hell, Satan has moved in with his new lover, Chris, but Saddam Hussein has come back into his life. This causes a rift in Satan's new relationship, and he finds himself longing for the love he once knew. Continued in Episode 411.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Run over by bus.
References

Episode 411: Probably
Premiere:
July 26, 2000
Plot:
Picking up from Episode 410, Cartman's evangelical mission has grown popular with the children of South Park. He plans to build a new church, and his congregation builds. He gets a call from Kenny, who is actually OK after riding underneath the bus all the way to Mexico. Cartman believes this is a message from Hell, but the real story down there is about Satan's torrid night in Saddam's hotel room. Chris tries to get over it, but he gets in a continual fight with Saddam, where they kill each other, come back to Hell, and keep repeating the process. Satan goes to God for advice, who suggests trying to be single, instead of depending on a life partner. Meanwhile on the surface, more divine counsel is given by Jesus, who appears at Cartman's now-profitable church and shows the children the correct path.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Kenny stays in Mexico, to be joined later by Cartman. Both manage to survive.
Obligatory Lesson:
JESUS: God doesn't want you to spend all your time being afraid of Hell, or praising His name. God wants you to spend your time helping others, and living a good, happy life. That's how you live for Him.
References

Episode 412: 4th Grade
Premiere:
November 8, 2000
Plot:
With Mr. Garrison missing, and a new school year beginning, it's time to enter the fourth grade. The new teacher is Ms. Choksondik, a woman who actually seems intent on teaching the class. The students miss the third grade already, so they enlist two local college students to build a time machine to take them back. They create a device using Timmy's wheelchair, but it only manages to send him into the past -- back to the time of dinosaurs. In the present, Ms. Choksondik is becoming increasingly frustrated with her inattentive class, so she hunts down Mr. Garrison, who is now living as a hermit in the mountains. He teaches her how to manage the class properly through various exercises. Finally, there is the Tree of Insight, where things should become clear. When Mr. Garrison is in there himself, he meets his gay side, and finally realizes his own homosexuality. Feeling energized, he returns to South Park Elementary and comes out to the administration, only to learn that they don't hire gay people.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Dragged over a road on an inverted rolling platform.
Obligatory Lesson:
MS. CHOKSONDIK: ...Life isn't about going back; it's about going forward. Yes, there are times in our life that we wish we could relive, but if we already lived them perfectly, why live them again? The adventure of life is that there's always something new. New challenges, new experiences. A fun game is a game that gets harder as it goes. So it is with life...
References

Episode 413: Trapper Keeper
Premiere:
November 15, 2000
Plot:
Kyle comes to school with his new "Dawson's Creek" Trapper Keeper, and wants to show it off, but Cartman upstages him with his highly sophisticated Trapper Keeper, which has an incredible number of features. They are visited by a cyborg from the future who calls himself Bill Cosby, and pretends to be a new fourth grade student. Eventually, he reveals his mission, which is to destroy Cartman's Trapper Keeper, thereby preventing a massive human vs. robot war in the future. Of course, Cartman would rather keep it. Meanwhile, Mr. Garrison has been re-hired to teach Kindergarten, and three-year-old Ike joins his class because of his allegedly advanced intelligence. They hold an election for class president: Ike vs. the five-year-old Fillmore. The result is tied at 5-5, with one student, Florida, left undecided. She picks Ike, and Mr. Garrison declares Ike the winner. However, Fillmore demands a recount, and for the absent kid to send in his vote. The absent kid votes for Fillmore, putting the race in a dead heat. Both sides demand more recounts, and Fillmore eventually calls in his aunt, Rosie O'Donnell, to oversee the recounts. During this controversy, Cartman's Trapper Keeper has begun to "hybrid" with other objects, including Cartman himself, and grows into a huge monster, as Bill Cosby had warned. The town tries to fight the monster, which continues to eat, until it finally devours O'Donnell. The beast turns green, dies, and explodes. The town is once again safe from cybernetic monsters and East Coast liberals, and Fillmore finally concedes to Ike, ending all the madness.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
While trying to break a door down, the door is burst from the threshold by the Trapper Keeper monster and crushes him against the wall.
Obligatory Lesson:
MR. GARRISON: ...People like you preach tolerance and open-mindedness all the time, but when it comes to Middle America, you think we're all evil and stupid country yokels who need your political enlightenment. Well, just because you're on TV doesn't mean you know crap about the government. Now get your ass back on First Class and respect this class' right to make up their own mind...
References

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Last updated on March 21, 2001

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